He is standing in the doorway, his suitcase in his hand. She looks at it, then back at him. With all her heart she wants to ask him- to beg him- to take her along. She’d trade Colorado, its mountains and snow, and starry nights, if he’d take her with him.
He looks at her, her childlike face and innocent eyes. She’s never loved a man before, yet somehow she loves him. The thought scares him. He knows no twenty year old should be on the road, following him from town to town, searching for rodeos and state fairs so he can ride and win his living. He is lost without a horse beneath him, and Jack Daniels inside of him. The sound of the crowds and the smell of leather are his first, and only, true loves. He thinks how nice it would be to have her there, to kiss his wounds and bruises, to cheer him when he rode out into the arena. But he knows in his heart, no matter how he might long to, he can’t let her get lost with him.
She sees the hesitation, she feels the longing in his heart. She lets herself imagine, just for a moment, that maybe he’ll take her. She's imagined their life together, following the rodeo circuit, living the cowboy life. A song plays in the background, something about cowboys and angels, and she lets herself believe for a second that maybe she could tame this wild man. The song ends, he reaches out, touches her cheek, and when he smiles she knows he’s gone already.
He says, with all the conviction in his lonely heart, “I want to see you again someday.”
“Take me with you. Please. I’ll never look back, just take me.”
He shakes his head, and says “I can’t. Not now. But I’ll be back...” His voice trails off, leaving the promise dangling in the air.
She replies “You’re never coming back. If you leave me here now, I will never see you again.”
He reaches for her, but she pulls away.
“Don’t worry, I don’t blame you.... You’re never going to change. You were born for leaving, so just leave.”
She can’t hold back the tears, feeling like a foolish child... feeling every bit as young as he thinks she is, so she holds her up and smiles through the tears.
He shakes his head, smiles sadly, and says “Please don’t cry. Tomorrow you’ll see, it will be better this way. Some day you’ll see... I’ll call you tomorrow.”
She nods, knowing the call will never come.
He closes the door behind him, keeping the winter outside the walls of her small apartment.
She stands at the window, watching as he drives away. She stands like that for a long time, the tail lights fading into the darkness, until she knows for sure she has her answer.
******
The truck stop neon flashes, advertising twenty four hour cups of coffee and slices of apple pie. He pulls the truck and trailer into the parking lot, and climbs down from the cab. His breath makes clouds of smoke, and he shoves his hands further into his pockets. He wlaks to the back of the trailer, and looks through the small window. His horses breath smells like hay and ice. He checks the water buckets, adds another flake to the hay net, and heads into the restaurant. The door jingles as it opens, and he looks around, squinting in the florescent light.
The waitress calls across the diner, telling him to seat himself. He chooses a booth that faces the door. He likes to see who’s coming and who’s going. No surprises that way.
“Coffee?” The waitress is a blonde with a messy ponytail. She looks like she’s pulled a lot of late night shifts, but there’s something in her eyes. It reminds him of Colorado, and he feels something shift inside of him.
“Sure. That’d be great.” He says, smiling up at her.
In her eyes, he can see that fire. And he sees that she’s noticed him, too.
She smiles.
He smiles.
She blushes and looks out the window.
"That your truck and trailer out there?"
"Yes ma'am it is. Headed down towards California. Hear the winters there ain't so cold. Hoping to find a rodeo circuit I can hook up with."
His cowboy drawl and sideways smile work their magic, and she blushes. He can't understand why women love cowboys, almost as much as he loves rodeos.
A blessing and a curse.
"Can I get you some pie to go with that coffee? Best Apple Pie this side of the Rockies."
He looks up at her name tag. Sarah.
"Well, Sarah with the blue eyes. I would love a piece of apple pie."
She giggles, and immediately regrets the girlish sound. She turns on her heel, and heads to the kitchen, her skin burning under the collar of her uniform.
He watches her go, and the elation he had felt seconds earlier dimmed, as he remembered the girl he had just left behind. He can't do this again. Every town a new girl, a new way to say good-bye, a new heart to break and a new crack in his own.
He stands up, tossing a few dollars on the table.
The door jingles as he exits, walking out into the cold, black, night.
